The Deep End Recap: Billy Zane&#39;s Eyebrows And A Severe Lack Of Messengers

The Deep End ABC

The Grey's Anatomy of law firms, ABC's The Deep End, premiered last night. And I watched it, just for you.

If you really want to know what happens, watch the full episode. I'll give you the Nutshell so you can talk about it with your fellow associates for a couple of minutes before you return to constantly breaking down Jersey Shore.

We meet our four first year's in their interviews. They have real names, of course, but I didn't catch them. So, until we get to know them better, it'll be easier for all of us to identify them by their physical descriptions and their law schools.

Their very prestigious LA law firm hires only four out of 1,000, we're told. The four: 1) Columbia Law/The Baby-faced Hero, 2) Case Western/Little Perfectionist, 3) Stanford/The Rich Beautiful One and 4)Cambridge (can one get a JD from Cambridge?)/British Playboy.

In the upper echelon of the firm there's The Semi-Nice Partner With The Southern Accent and The Do-Gooding Firm Founder.

We also meet the firm villain, played by Billy Zane. He character name is Cliff, but I'll just be calling him Billy Zane's Eyebrows, because that is all one can focus on when he's on screen. They have a life of their own! Billy Zane's eyebrows are ruthless and they hate pro bono cases and love money. Billy Zane's Eyebrow's are married to another partner at the firm, who we'll call Tweezed since Billy Zane's Eyebrow's are having an affair with The Redheaded Paralegal.

Here's what happened to every character:

Columbia: He showed up five minutes early but was really 10 days late. His baby-faceness gets him put on a pro bono case that's impossible to win, but turns out he's able to help the mother (Andy who slept with Pacey on Dawson's Creek!) keep her child by finding at the last minute a document created by his client's dead husband that says his wife is the birth mother even though the dead husband's mother carried the child as a surrogate. Got it? He also gets to take a deposition and go to court (yes, in first week)! The episode ends with him sleeping with the Redheaded Paralegal at her apartment, which looks suspiciously like Melrose Place. Redheaded Paralegal spent the episode failing the bar exam and breaking up with Billy Zane's Eyebrows.

Stanford: She's well connected and cool-headed. She gets to draft all of the documents for a corporate changeover and present them to the client. Old man client loves her, but when she later visits him at his mansion with the indoor pool, she can tell he lacks the capacity to understand the documents. [NOTE: This firm has no messenger service.] She asks her father (the father of Amy Abbott on Everwood!) what she should do and he says she lacks killer instincts and that he would never hire her to work at his own firm. She considers crying, but returns to the office and sleeps with Cambridge. They've slept together before, which we know because earlier she mentions earlier that he is not circumcised. Following her rough meeting with her father, she goes back to the office and has sex with Cambridge. I'm pretty sure they did not close the door.

Case Western: She's the pushover and has already been yelled at for a minor mistake in the brief she wrote (yep, in her first week!) and is constantly worried about being fired. She goes to court to file a brief (told you, no messengers) and misses the deadline and it's terrible. But then Stanford says she has to stand up for herself ("You are always the ball and never the bat.") so she talks back to Tweezed, who now respects her and puts her on the asbestos case. (Poor Case Western -- she is dying to be on the asbestos case! She'll learn.) Later Tweezed takes her out, on a weekend night, for pizza.

Cambridge: Not a lot there. He sleeps with everyone. A young Jewish prospective client thinks he's Jewish. He sleeps with her when he bring documents she needs to sign to her hotel room. (Yes, again with the lack of messengers.) And then later, as mentioned, he has sex with Stanford.

Billy Zane's Eyebrows: They only care about money. He told Columbia to blow the pro bono depo so they could please the rich grandmother client. And he wants to retain power of the firm from the Do-Gooding Founder who has just returned from an extensive leave. Tweezed knows he is having an affair and tells him to clean up his mess, so he plans to meet her at a hotel but instead goes to Melrose Place to see the Redheaded Paralegal. That's where we end...Columbia is inside -- what will happen? Tune in next week.

Words they threw in for fun, to show do-gooding: Poverty Law Clinic and The Innocence Project.

Ridiculous quotes: "It's not how we start, it's how we finish." "Are we supposed to love this job or hate it? Both." "Sack up and grab opportunity's doorknob."

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